UbURelationshipsCriticism or guidance
Relationships · Criticism or guidance
It felt like criticism. It was guidance.
Why their comments about how to do things can cut, and how to hear what they are really saying.
How it felt.
My wife would tell me how she thought something should be done. It cut. It felt like criticism, like being told I had got it wrong again.
What it was.
Guidance. The kind I would have taken without a flinch from a mother, or from anyone who has run a household for years. A woman who runs a house knows how it runs: where things go, what the children need, what happens at seven in the morning. She was handing me the manual. I heard a mark against my name.
Why it cut.
When your worth is waiting for a “well done”, every correction sounds like “not enough”. The Warrior in me heard an attack and got ready to defend. The same sentence from a stranger would have been information. From her it was a verdict, because I had made her the judge.
Information or verdict?
The words rarely carry the sting. The story you attach to them does. “Put it there” is information. “They think I am useless” is the story. Learn to hear the first and catch the second.
When it is not guidance.
Sometimes it really is criticism, and you are allowed to say so, calmly, and ask for it to be said differently. And if what you hear is contempt, name-calling or being made afraid, that is not guidance and it is not yours to put up with. See the help at the bottom of this page.
Observer Flow, in four moves
1 Observe→2 Name it→3 Thank it→4 Return
What do you observe? Three things. The thought: “They think I can’t do anything right.” The feeling in your body: heat in your face, a tight jaw, a drop in your stomach. The urge: to explain, to defend, or to go quiet.
Example. Observe: heat in my face, my jaw tight, and I want to defend myself. Name it: that is feeling small. Thank it: you are trying to protect me. Return: “Thanks. Show me how you do it.”
Try one thing today
Next time they tell you how to do something, say “thanks” and try it their way once.
Five ways to hear guidance as guidance.
Breathe out before you answer.
One slow breath, longer out than in.
Why: The first answer comes from the part of you that is bracing.
Ask: information or verdict?
Strip the sentence down to the instruction. Then notice the story you added.
Why: Most of the sting is in the story, not the sentence.
Say thank you, and try it their way once.
No commentary. Just try it.
Why: You find out if it works, and they see they were heard.
Ask what they meant.
“Are you showing me how, or telling me I got it wrong?”
Why: They may not know it landed that way.
Tell them how it lands, once, calmly, later.
“When it is said like that, I hear that I got it wrong. Could you say it another way?”
Why: You can ask for the tone you need. It is not their job to guess.
If it is heavier than this: Relate: 0300 100 1234. Samaritans, any time: 116 123. If you are frightened of your partner: National Domestic Abuse Helpline, 24 hours, 0808 2000 247; for men, Men’s Advice Line, 0808 8010 327, weekdays. If anyone is in danger, call 999. All helplines →