UbURelationshipsProving your worth
Relationships · Proving your worth
I was reporting to her like she was my boss.
Why you tell your partner everything you did, and what you are really asking for.
What it looked like.
I told my wife about my day as though she were my boss. What I had done, what I had fixed, how much I had carried. She had not asked.
What I was really asking.
Validation. I wanted her to say “well done” so that I could feel I was enough. A report is a way of asking for a verdict. She was not my manager. She was not marking me. I had made her the judge without telling her.
Why we do it.
A lot of us learned that our worth is what we produce. Work gave us a score every day. At home there is no score, so we make one, and we keep it for our partner to read. If you have ticked the boxes on the scoreboard check, this is where it comes from.
Worth that waits for them to say it.
If your worth depends on your partner saying “well done”, you have handed them something that belongs to you, and they cannot give it back. They can be glad of what you did and it still will not be enough. Not because they are hard to please. Because the hole is not the size of their praise.
Sharing is not reporting.
“Here is my day, I want you to know me” is sharing. “Here is my day, please approve” is reporting. The words can be identical. The asking underneath is what they feel.
Observer Flow, in four moves
1 Observe→2 Name it→3 Thank it→4 Return
What do you observe? Three things. The thought: “They have not noticed what I did.” The feeling in your body: a tight chest, restless hands, a lift of energy as the list forms. The urge: to tell them, now, everything you did today.
Example. Observe: a tight chest, and the urge to list what I did. Name it: that is wanting to be seen. Thank it: you want to matter to them. Return: I ask about their day, and I listen to the end.
Try one thing today
Tonight, ask your partner about their day and listen to the whole answer before you say a word about yours.
Five ways to stop reporting.
Catch the pull before you start the list.
You will feel it rise. Pause and ask yourself: what am I asking for?
Why: Seeing the urge is most of the work. It loses its grip once you can see it.
Ask yourself: report or share?
A share tells them something about you. A report asks them to mark it.
Why: The same words can be either. They feel the asking underneath.
Ask about their day first.
Then listen without turning it back to yours.
Why: It moves you from scoring to meeting.
Give yourself the well done.
At the end of the day, say it to yourself: I did enough today. Out loud if you can.
Why: If you can say it, you do not need them to.
Say what you need, straight.
“I had a hard day and I would like you to know” is honest. “Look at everything I did” is a request for marks.
Why: Asking straight is braver than asking sideways.